Trying Too Hard

This post is for both men and women who are stuck in the cycle of over-performing, over-proving, or over-pursuing. If that sounds like you, read on. This is your invitation to stop trying so hard—and start trusting in your real value.

When you’re trying too hard, it’s not love—it’s fear. We’ve all been there. You meet someone you’re drawn to—whether online or in person—and suddenly you’re “on.” You’re managing your responses, checking how you come across, saying things you think they’ll want to hear. You’re overthinking texts, outfits, body language. You’re “trying,” but if you’re honest, it doesn’t feel natural.

At Destiny Matchmaking, we see it every day: good, smart, emotionally available people exhausting themselves trying to land love—when what’s actually needed is far less effort, and far more authenticity.

Let’s Talk to the Men First: Stop Proving Yourself

Men are often taught, directly or indirectly, that they must “win” a woman—by being impressive enough, successful enough, romantic enough. This mindset creates a dangerous formula: pressure + performance = connection. But that’s not how real love works.

Here’s how trying too hard shows up in men:

• Over-texting when she’s clearly not matching the energy

• Bragging about money, status, or success to seem more desirable

• Being too accommodating to avoid conflict

• Making intense romantic gestures early on to accelerate the connection

• Needing constant reassurance that she’s “still into you”

What this signals (even if you don’t realize it) is insecurity. It says, “I don’t trust that I’m enough unless I give more, impress more, or prove more.” But the truth is, healthy women aren’t looking for a performance. They’re looking for presence, consistency, and emotional clarity. If you’re confident in who you are and you’re showing up as your full self, you won’t have to chase anyone. The right person will meet you—not make you run after them.

Now, to the Women: You Don’t Have to Perform Perfect

Women, your version of “trying too hard” might look different, but it comes from the same place: fear of not being chosen, fear of rejection, fear of being “too much” or “not enough.”

Here’s how it might show up:

• Laughing at things you don’t find funny

• Pretending to like what he likes to seem easygoing

• Ignoring red flags because “maybe it’ll change”

• Texting back immediately, always being available, never setting boundaries

• Dressing, talking, or behaving in ways that don’t reflect your true self

Many women are conditioned to shape-shift for connection. But bending yourself into a smaller or more convenient version is the fastest way to create an inauthentic dynamic. Over time, resentment builds, energy drains, and attraction fades.

Real connection comes when you show up as you—unfiltered, intelligent, honest, emotionally expressive, and sovereign. The right man isn’t scared of that. He’s looking for it.

The Root of the Problem: Fear vs. Self-Trust

Trying too hard doesn’t come from love—it comes from fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being chosen. Fear that if you don’t keep the performance up, they’ll lose interest.

But here's the truth: anything built on fear will eventually collapse under the weight of it.

People can feel when you’re acting out of desperation. The energy behind “let me be good enough for you” repels genuine connection. Meanwhile, the energy of “I know who I am and what I bring” creates safety and attraction.

Trying too hard drains your power. Confidence, on the other hand, draws people in effortlessly.

How to Shift the Energy

Whether you’re a man or a woman, here’s what to focus on instead of effort:

1. Ground Yourself Before Dating

Ask yourself: Am I dating to fill a void, or because I’m already full and ready to share? Confidence begins with knowing you’re whole—before anyone else arrives.

2. Slow Down

Attraction builds in space, not pressure. Give the connection time to breathe. If it’s real, it’ll grow. You don’t need to over-nurture it.

3. Practice Authenticity Over Strategy

Say what you mean. Ask what you want to know. Don’t dress yourself up in a costume you can’t wear long-term. You’re not trying to get hired—you’re trying to build intimacy.

4. Set Boundaries With Grace

Not everyone is meant for you. Trying harder doesn’t change that. Walk away when the energy’s not mutual. That’s self-respect—not loss.

5. Let It Be Mutual

If you’re the only one showing up, you’re not in a relationship—you’re in a performance. Love is a two-way mirror. If the reflection isn’t there, stop polishing the glass.

Final Thoughts

When you trust yourself, you stop trying so hard. You don’t need to be more impressive. You don’t need to fix your appearance, memorize perfect lines, or prove you’re good enough. You just need to be someone who knows what they offer—and who only entertains connection with people who can meet you there.

At Destiny Matchmaking, we work with clients who are done with the chase, the games, and the performance. We help men and women meet partners who are emotionally ready, energetically aligned, and open to something real.

Because when you're no longer trying so hard, the right person doesn’t feel hard to find—they feel natural to love.

Looking for someone who meets you where you are—not where you're trying to be?

Let us help. Schedule your consultation with Destiny Matchmaking and step into connection without the performance.